The tests are over. Relief and all that jazz, right? Wrong.. Monday's yet another we have to face and this time, it'll be a little worse than what I normally remember it to be. Damn you, I ponder on so much and when answers finally surface... more questions are posed. It's tiring. Sometimes overwhelming. Sometimes suicidal.
It's unfair that you won't let me go. It's unfair that I don't want you to. And the greatest injustice is the fact that I could and could never have you. :( It's not in me.
I hate how it's all a test. All of this. We live in the shadow of eternal punishment. Thinking, hoping and praying that we pass your standards. Yet threatened by our own mortalities. Installed with limitations and weaknesses and asked to go beyond them. Spoon-fed the hope of doing something great and being remembered by the faceless unknown. All the while, spending the rest of it being one of them. Fighting against unbelievable odds that often prove to great. And being born with a frail body. One that is destined to return to dust and feed the evil population. And the good. I'm sick of living with the purpose of having a purpose. In this mess of hopelessness, I'm supposed to spark a fire spontaneously without any external forces to help me. Saying that someday your almighty intervention will come and help me out. All the while, working extra hard to convince myself at night that you're listening but not to me at that moment. Someone else needs you. But you are there. What happens if I found out that it is all a mere conspiracy? One that people like me, devised to bring meaning to meaningless existence?
How dare you?! How is this conscience-driven mind coming up with such blasphemous thoughts?
Save me. Someone save me. I hate spending every night trying to drown myself in my shower. Finding solace in the pitter-patter of the water is not fun. It's hardly any of that.
I don't even understand where I get all of this drive to smile. I'm just glad that I have it.
'You' is a wonderful pronoun.
Posted at 11:40 pm by patootie
Permalink
for now...
I am seriously disappointed with myself. I set myself some high standards and deliberately chose to have my lazy self get the best of me. No, I shall make this last hurrah of my 1st term as a Soph one to remember. I can do better. I can do good. I've done it before, at least.
Hah. I shall not limit myself to doing good in Literature and CLE. I mean, what happened to the other academics? The ones that I've been neglecting? God. Being paralyzed by my own stupidity is NOT a good feeling. It really isn't.
It makes me look down on myself more and more. And I know that this term, I shall reap disappointing results. Considering how utterly pathetic it is that 2 years into this system and still I can't leave the carefree past behind. Sometimes I convince myself that it's not that different. I can get stupendous grades without studying. Sigh.
Reality has finally hit and damn, it hit hard. So I bid my farewell to the air that I address this blog to. BYE.
Posted at 09:47 pm by patootie
Permalink
Cover my eyes and disappear
I choose to remain hidden. My ignorance gave the game away. A fresh start yet again for I am a runner. I wish to leave behind those blood-stained shoes of mine. So stay silent, stay concealed, stay secret. For this realm is massive and the odds are stacked against Discovery.
I hide behind my own tiny hands. I close these mirrors of deceit and sing a happy song. For this is how my invisibility cloak hears its call. A happy song webbed with undertones of pain, shame and disgust. It rushes to my rescue and in those fleeting moments, problems begin to dissapate. Shame and disgust are thrusted lightyears away. The sick blue-green liquid is diluted to a solution that transforms into something beautiful. Unknowingly, I find myself with a non-refundable ticket heading towards my alternate-reality.
And stuffed down my pants are denial. Denial of such dastardly acts I've committed. Lucid dreams won't even save me. For how can I hide from my subconscious within my subconscious? How can I escape from myself when tis the only place my soul dwells.
The limitations of human life are frustrating. For no matter how many times you exceed them, there are still more to face. An unending struggle against the impossibilities. To finally make the journey and see the end.
When will all my concealed secrets finally catch up with me?
Posted at 08:15 am by patootie
Permalink
